OMG. Tiger Woods, a rich, young, successful athlete is behaving exactly like a rich, young, successful athlete. He’s having sex with multiple women. Multiple sexy women! How could he?
It’s almost like these women are attracted to his money … or his success … or his power … or his … woods? The bitches. How could they behave like sexy, attention-happy, love-wanting, orgasm-seeking … bimbos? Christ, it’s almost so predictably possible that I can’t believe it.
I can’t believe women are attracted to money and power. I can’t believe a normal, mortal man would want to see big-tittied women naked and have sex with them. It defies explaination! How could he?!? Doesn’t he realize we want him to be better than us?
Natalie Dylan, the sluttiest virgin in the history of mankind, is ready to sell off her deflowering for a cool $1M. Turns out, the dude that’s ponying up the dough has never fucked a virgin … and wants to give sexing one up a try. What a gentleman.
So, makes me wonder, how much for round two? Is that for sale too? Or is that where the whore line goes — selling your virginity is one thing but selling sex is another. Or maybe nobody’s bidding. Maybe after prostituting off the rare gem of virginity the skank commodity price falls through the floor — or worse.
I think she’ll stay on at the Bunny Ranch as a regular and start charging hourly. Natalie could be the oldest profession’s newest, oldest (she’s 22) practitioner. She’ll have to pay the rent somehow, because if it doesn’t work out with Mr. Million, who’s going to want to marry the most famous prostitute in world?
Admit it, you bought an iPhone as a status symbol. You know, this thing:
That’s fine, but there are things you’re probably doing that are killing whatever boost you hoped to get and only highlight what a prole douchebag you really are.
Showing it off — Look at how cool this is! I can play with a light saber! And I can race cars! Look at the App Store! See all these photos! Easy, buddy. It’s a fucking phone that plays music and sends email. You know the annoying guy with pictures of his kids in his wallet that he wants to show you? You are that guy … with a battery-powered douche indicator. Put it away.
Big Headphones — Oh, you’re an audiophile? I guess I missed the fact that you’re listening to an MP3 player on the fucking bus. The thing is meant to be portable. What’s that you’re listening to? A Phish bootleg? You’re a douche. Stick with the shit headphones or get a portable record player.
Bluetooth — So you want to be a robot, eh? Well, the proletarian robot uprising is the most common science fiction plot. So you’re a sci-fi nerd and you want to rebel against the ruling class. That’s not a status booster. Hold your phone on your ear with your arm like a damn human.
Protective case — The iPhone is a waste of money, and as a waste of money it should not be protected and babied. You think your grandparents are cool because they’ve covered their sofa in plastic wrap? Of course not. This is the same thing, and you sir, with the protective case, are a douche. It’s much better to have a cracked screen. It’s much better to have a story about how it fell out of your pocket on your sailboat and bounced off a bottle of Krug.
Holster — The holster is so far beyond the simple protective case in the douche spectrum that it gets its own slot. Who are you trying to be, Batman? Or is that your techy tool belt? Are you going to bend over and fix my computer and flash some crack while looking up instructions on HowStuffWorks.com’s mobile App? Are you really traveling around with so much stuff that you don’t have any room in your pockets? Get that thing off your belt.
Well, first off, Bill O’Reilly has a point. I’m not sure why black people are so keen on this guy — he went pretty far out of his way to be white. Sure, skin disease, but come on. He had surgery to give himself a 10-year-old white-girl nose and an 8-year-old white-boy mouth. That’s not exactly racial pride.
But the real issue is, can we please talk about something else? I’m sick of the memorials and montages and music. I know this tree stump is just the beginning. Let’s move on. Let’s let the grieving happen. Let’s let our children back on the street now that it is safe.
Yup, just buy three cases, get 5 friends to subscribe, then start raking in the dough. You’ll be rich! You could make $10,000 per month!
Come on! It’s a pyramid scam. It’s fucking juice! Juice they don’t have a distributor for so they have to sell it directly to consumers who they scam into selling directly to their friends.
But Donald Trump says direct marketing is amazing, right? Who cares? Donald Trump is an idiot too! Are you going to believe a guy with hair? Can you trust a man that lives the lie of that mane? Nope.
So pass on grass, steer clear of mangosteen. Next thing you know, you’ll turn into an Avon lady.
Man, seriously? First Farrah Fawcett, then Michael Jackson, THEN Billy Mays, and still NOT Sarah Palin? Come on! The only thing that’ll take this bitch out of the spotlight is death.
“I betcha I’d have more endurance. My one claim to fame in my own little internal running circle is a sub-four marathon. It wasn’t necessarily a good running time, but it proves I have the endurance within me to at least gut it out and that is something, if you ever talk to my old coaches they’d tell you, too. What I lacked in physical strength or skill I made up for in determination and endurance. So if were a long race that required a lot of endurance I’d win.”
Well, you may be a runner, but you are also stupid. Congratulations.
Let’s get this straight: Glenn Beck plays a character. Glenn Beck shares his character’s opinion, not his personal opinions. Glenn Beck just wants your money. So he’ll fellate your ego enough so that you think you have a reason to be racist, alarmist, or sexist, but he’ll never challenge your opinions unless it’s an opinion contrary to those of his money-grubbing character.
Everybody knows that Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden were old frat buddies together, right? Oh, they weren’t? Well, they were in the Skull and Bones society together, right? Oh, they weren’t?!
That’s because he understands the game. If you talk loud enough, clear enough, and enough enough, people will start to believe you. We’re stupid. We bought into the Saddam Hussein and al-Qaeda link allegations even after they were disproven. We bought into the aluminum tubes.
Now he’s back on the stump, like no other VP before him, re-hashing the old Bush-Cheney dog-and-pony show. Fear this. Fear that. We’re going to die. Etc. And he’s getting us to support torture. Fucking torture!
Come on, let’s learn to think for ourselves instead of listening to the loudest fool in the room. Cheney, it’s time to retire; stop trying to scare us.
Nobody is making the argument that people rise to the challenge they are faced with. Souter did, but the right probably hates him for it. Alito and Roberts? Turns out they aren’t the heartless constitution burners some suspected.
What’s really happening is everybody is playing the game. I stroke my constintuency, I get re-elected. I appoint a Hispanic woman, I get re-elected. I hope. I talk crazy enough, and I get your attention.
It’s that or we’ve elected idiots to converse with the idiots in the media. And I prefer to think we have not elected idiots. It’d just be nice if they’d take this part of their job a little less seriously.
Come on, Norm. Really? You’re going to keep dragging this out? The same guy that said Franken should concede when he was ahead, is now NOT conceding when he isn’t ahead. Man up, you lost.
And by losing, you could have really won. You could have said, “Look, these are tough times, and Minnesota needs somebody in Washington — we don’t need to waste dollars and days bickering over this. Let’s move on. There will be another election.”
You could have said, “I’m a fiscal conservative. I’m not about to waste taxpayer money fighting over this, but I will be back on the ticket in six years.”
Or you could have Al Gore’d it and risen from the ashes more powerful than you’d ever have been as a Senator, tackled a bigger issue than Minnesota, and risen to international fame.
— Oh, you’re an audiophile? I guess I missed the fact that you’re listening to an MP3 player on the fucking bus. The thing is meant to be portable. What’s that you’re listening to? A Phish bootleg? You’re a douche. Stick with the shit headphones or get a portable record player.
— So you want to be a robot, eh? Well, the proletarian robot uprising is the most common science fiction plot. So you’re a sci-fi nerd and you want to rebel against the ruling class. That’s not a status booster. Hold your phone on your ear with your arm like a damn human.
