“iPad?”

“Yes, of course.  The name is critical.  This one builds off our popular iPod and iMac products.  It’s perfect.”

“Perfect?”

“Yes, perfect.  It’s the perfect name.  When people hear ‘iPad’, they will think of clean design, monthly data-plan convenience, and product-marketing synergy.”

“That’s what you think of when you hear ‘iPad’ — sanitary design, monthly convenience, and PMS?”

“Of course!  PMS is the core of the iPad.”

“You still don’t get the joke?”

“Joke?  The only joke is how much our investors are going to love us after we introduce this revolutionary tablet computer.”

“So tablet computer — still don’t want to go with iTablet?”

“There’s nothing sexy about iTablet!  I’ve said that a thousand times.  iPad is sexy — it’s like the reason for sex.”

“Ok, moving on.  Can we terminate the AT&T exclusivity deal?”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!”

* * *

Steve Jobs, you’re a fucking moron.

That’s fine, but there are things you’re probably doing that are killing whatever boost you hoped to get and only highlight what a prole douchebag you really are.

1. Showing it off — Look at how cool this is!  I can play with a light saber!  And I can race cars!  Look at the App Store!  See all these photos!  Easy, buddy.  It’s a fucking phone that plays music and sends email.  You know the annoying guy with pictures of his kids in his wallet that he wants to show you?  You are that guy … with a battery-powered douche indicator.  Put it away.
2. Big Headphones — Oh, you’re an audiophile?  I guess I missed the fact that you’re listening to an MP3 player on the fucking bus.  The thing is meant to be portable.  What’s that you’re listening to?  A Phish bootleg?  You’re a douche.  Stick with the shit headphones or get a portable record player.
3. Bluetooth — So you want to be a robot, eh?  Well, the proletarian robot uprising is the most common science fiction plot.  So you’re a sci-fi nerd and you want to rebel against the ruling class.  That’s not a status booster.  Hold your phone on your ear with your arm like a damn human.
4. Protective case — The iPhone is a waste of money, and as a waste of money it should not be protected and babied.  You think your grandparents are cool because they’ve covered their sofa in plastic wrap?  Of course not.  This is the same thing, and you sir, with the protective case, are a douche.  It’s much better to have a cracked screen.  It’s much better to have a story about how it fell out of your pocket on your sailboat and bounced off a bottle of Krug.
5. Holster — The holster is so far beyond the simple protective case in the douche spectrum that it gets its own slot.  Who are you trying to be, Batman?  Or is that your techy tool belt?  Are you going to bend over and fix my computer and flash some crack while looking up instructions on HowStuffWorks.com’s mobile App?  Are you really traveling around with so much stuff that you don’t have any room in your pockets?  Get that thing off your belt.
6. Owning one