photo credit: iheartstockings

UPDATE: Dancing With The Stars!??! Come on.

“iPad?”

“Yes, of course.  The name is critical.  This one builds off our popular iPod and iMac products.  It’s perfect.”

“Perfect?”

“Yes, perfect.  It’s the perfect name.  When people hear ‘iPad’, they will think of clean design, monthly data-plan convenience, and product-marketing synergy.”

“That’s what you think of when you hear ‘iPad’ — sanitary design, monthly convenience, and PMS?”

“Of course!  PMS is the core of the iPad.”

“You still don’t get the joke?”

“Joke?  The only joke is how much our investors are going to love us after we introduce this revolutionary tablet computer.”

“So tablet computer — still don’t want to go with iTablet?”

“There’s nothing sexy about iTablet!  I’ve said that a thousand times.  iPad is sexy — it’s like the reason for sex.”

“Ok, moving on.  Can we terminate the AT&T exclusivity deal?”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!”

* * *

Steve Jobs, you’re a fucking moron.

Meghan McCain keeps it classy

Here’s a prediction — her mammaries are going to save health care reform.  Not sure how yet.  Maybe new guy, Scott Brown, motorboats them to celebrate his Massachusetts victory.  Not sure if this changes things.  But if he’s filibustering the vote, this could be better than the nuclear option.  Especially for CSPAN.  Or maybe his daughters motorboat them.  Whatever.

Or maybe she starts representing the other freelance writers of the world — the ones without a senator dad and a billionaire mom — and starts supporting the public option.  There are worse causes.  Hell, she could pretend she cares about Haiti.

See, the TSA is fucking clueless.  They just don’t want to be BLAMED for anything.  So if shit goes down, they knee-jerk a response.  Oh, is that a shoe bomb?  Well, we’ll just X-RAY EVERY FUCKING SHOE FROM NOW ON — then this will never happen again.  Problem solved.  Is that a liquid explosive that we can’t detect?  Well, put your shit in this fucking bomb-proof zip-top bag.

What happens when somebody warns US officials of a potential threat?  Well, nothing.  How’s a zip-lock baggie supposed to solve that?  How’s that going to get more people shuffling through the airport in their socks?

So what’s the plan?  No plan.  The TSA will just enforce what they want.  You don’t get to know the rules.  Unpredictability is the new zip-top bag.  The new TSA response to the knee tap of terrorism is to poke travelers in the eye … after they kick them in the balls.

But government programs don’t work!  Look at …

1. Public Schools.  Don’t want health care reform?  Take your kid out of public school.  A government employee probably taught you how to read.  Don’t think they can give you a flu shot?  You’re a dumbass.  And guess what, private schools still flourish.  You can opt out of the system if you want, but everybody gets a basic education.  Everybody learns to read.  Everybody should be able to be healthy.
2. Libraries.  Yup, free fucking books.  Everywhere in America, there are free books.  Want to read the latest John Grisham?  Read it in the library.  For free.  Don’t want to wait?  Want to keep a copy on your shelf?  Go to Borders or Amazon or any other private bookstore.  Everybody in America gets to read anything they want at the library.  Everybody in America can talk to a librarian about the next bestseller.  Everybody in America should be able to talk to a doctor about their health.
3. The US Post Office.  Put a stamp on an envelope and toss it in the blue box on the corner — it goes to whatever address is on the front.  They used to sponsor Lance Armstrong.  Costs a few cents.  Use FedEx if you want … or UPS.  Right now, health care is set up like FedEx and UPS — it’s fucking expensive.  There’s no catch all, no USPS.  We need that.

So, fuck you Joe Lieberman.

photo credit: Okada Shinoda

(not Kendra)

I can’t wait for Kendra’s next reality TV show, Blond Mom, where she raises her child on camera and all her male viewers tolerate the idiotic drivel that crashes out of her mouth in hopes of catching the briefest of nip-slips.

Then there will be the post-divorce cougar dating show where 20-year-olds that used to masturbate to her nude Playboy pictures try to win her heart through an agonizingly long series of games, contests, and quizzes.  E! probably already has the rights.

But, before that, there will be the leaked Kendra Wilkinson sex tape, which probably already exists … Kendra and Tiger Woods knocking boots on the 19th.  Hell, he likes blonds, and I don’t think a Playboy bunny has stepped forward yet, so it’s fairly likely.

It’s almost like these women are attracted to his money … or his success … or his power … or his … woods?  The bitches.  How could they behave like sexy, attention-happy, love-wanting, orgasm-seeking … bimbos?  Christ, it’s almost so predictably possible that I can’t believe it.

I can’t believe women are attracted to money and power.  I can’t believe a normal, mortal man would want to see big-tittied women naked and have sex with them.  It defies explaination!  How could he?!?  Doesn’t he realize we want him to be better than us?