Watching the Oscars, haven’t seen Kathy Ireland outside of an infomercial for about 20 years, and I’m thinking she’s preggers. I Google it — nothing! WTF? She’s too thin to have that belly. She’s got to be pregnant.
photo credit: iheartstockings
Vienna, seriously? Vienna!? You idiot.
UPDATE: Dancing With The Stars!??! Come on.
“And we’ll call it the iPad.”
“iPad?”
“Yes, of course. The name is critical. This one builds off our popular iPod and iMac products. It’s perfect.”
“Perfect?”
“Yes, perfect. It’s the perfect name. When people hear ‘iPad’, they will think of clean design, monthly data-plan convenience, and product-marketing synergy.”
“That’s what you think of when you hear ‘iPad’ — sanitary design, monthly convenience, and PMS?”
“Of course! PMS is the core of the iPad.”
“You still don’t get the joke?”
“Joke? The only joke is how much our investors are going to love us after we introduce this revolutionary tablet computer.”
“So tablet computer — still don’t want to go with iTablet?”
“There’s nothing sexy about iTablet! I’ve said that a thousand times. iPad is sexy — it’s like the reason for sex.”
“Ok, moving on. Can we terminate the AT&T exclusivity deal?”
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!”
* * *
Steve Jobs, you’re a fucking moron.
Meghan McCain (who I dislike a little because of the pointless ‘h’ in her name … and her lunatic Republican dad) is in the news again. Seems she thinks real tits are getting discriminated against. Sure, Meggie. Tweet your cleavage again.
Meghan McCain keeps it classy
Here’s a prediction — her mammaries are going to save health care reform. Not sure how yet. Maybe new guy, Scott Brown, motorboats them to celebrate his Massachusetts victory. Not sure if this changes things. But if he’s filibustering the vote, this could be better than the nuclear option. Especially for CSPAN. Or maybe his daughters motorboat them. Whatever.
Or maybe she starts representing the other freelance writers of the world — the ones without a senator dad and a billionaire mom — and starts supporting the public option. There are worse causes. Hell, she could pretend she cares about Haiti.
I’ve been suspicious of Lady Gaga since I first saw “her” — there’s the hint of ‘stache, the muscles, the bulge, etc. More importantly, there’s the name. “Lady” — what shit. No female uses her name to reinforce her gender. That’s a man thing. Then there’s this, a video of Gaga without the makeup, the stage, the bikini, the man-gina. Told you so.
So some idiot Nigerian takes a break from trying to Western Union me $40M and instead tries to light off a testicle bomb on an American Airlines flight? Great. What’s next? Turn your head and cough to board?
See, the TSA is fucking clueless. They just don’t want to be BLAMED for anything. So if shit goes down, they knee-jerk a response. Oh, is that a shoe bomb? Well, we’ll just X-RAY EVERY FUCKING SHOE FROM NOW ON — then this will never happen again. Problem solved. Is that a liquid explosive that we can’t detect? Well, put your shit in this fucking bomb-proof zip-top bag.
What happens when somebody warns US officials of a potential threat? Well, nothing. How’s a zip-lock baggie supposed to solve that? How’s that going to get more people shuffling through the airport in their socks?
So what’s the plan? No plan. The TSA will just enforce what they want. You don’t get to know the rules. Unpredictability is the new zip-top bag. The new TSA response to the knee tap of terrorism is to poke travelers in the eye … after they kick them in the balls.
You fucking idiots. Quit the bullshit. Stop blowing it out of proportion and blowing smoke up our asses. Take the health industry’s cock out of your mouth and do the right thing. It’s time for health care reform.
But government programs don’t work! Look at …
Kendra Wilkinson, famous for sharing an 80-year-old bachelor with 3 other blonds, went into labor Wednesday night. Yippie. Hank Baskett IV, welcome to hell.
photo credit: Okada Shinoda
(not Kendra)
I can’t wait for Kendra’s next reality TV show, Blond Mom, where she raises her child on camera and all her male viewers tolerate the idiotic drivel that crashes out of her mouth in hopes of catching the briefest of nip-slips.
Then there will be the post-divorce cougar dating show where 20-year-olds that used to masturbate to her nude Playboy pictures try to win her heart through an agonizingly long series of games, contests, and quizzes. E! probably already has the rights.
But, before that, there will be the leaked Kendra Wilkinson sex tape, which probably already exists … Kendra and Tiger Woods knocking boots on the 19th. Hell, he likes blonds, and I don’t think a Playboy bunny has stepped forward yet, so it’s fairly likely.
OMG, there are like 7 mistresses. Like, can I be one? I’d TOTALLY sleep with Tiger Woods. He’s rich, you know? And sexy. Totally sexy.
Mmmm. It would be a pleasure to play with his woods. Hehehe! I’d have Ambien sex with him in a heartbeat. I bet he doesn’t need Viagra like Arnold Palmer.
You’d do it too. Don’t lie. Don’t hate. Bitch, you don’t know me! But I know you. The only person that wouldn’t have sex with Tiger Woods is Natalie Dylan … she’s saving herself for prostitution.
Driving Inertia